Get Well Soon

My dear Khansa, already a week you have flu. Your sounding as like as a frog why you were sleeping because of the runny nose. Get well soon dear, stop making Bunda worry. Grow up fast then your body is stronger from any condition. After that, lets we travel around. Bunda will wait with all the strength and time i have. 

Big hug and kiss

Suicide Is Coward

Khansa, listen to your mother tonight.

You are sleeping as like as a baby new born, sometimes Bunda has to listen your breath carefully to make sure you are still breathing. 

Your mother through many hard in life. Many of many and many of times think and try to suicide. But your face always and always appear as my alarm to remain me you need me most until end. 

Khansa, how hard my life is, Bunda needs you as my alarm to sign me that "BUNDA SUICIDE IS COWARD  " if i do that, i will let my Khansa neglected in whole life. Bunda wont let that happen. 

I want have something as being my own. If one person, some people or  world ignore, hurt, break, down me as like as a dumb Bunda will always has place to heal myself, Writing is homage, writing is sanctuary. It will give Bunda a chance to rest before face the mean world. 

You Take My Patiance

This morning, you eat as like a cat. So little. Take out all the patience. Once you open your mouth you just keep whole the food inside. Just let them stay there as like birds in their nest. Bunda cried, but you suddenly cried also. Oh my dear Khansa, why eat time for you becoming so world war for me. It will take 2 hours. Listen what Bunda said, 2 hours Khansa. In 2 hours Bunda can do many things. In 2 hours we just can seat on table food, talk here and there. Play here and there, draw here and there, and many things which out of my mind.                                      2 HOURS KHANSA ??????!!!!!!######******

Khansa First Fight

Oh Khansa, what have you done ? you are really as like a boy.

You fight with your friend, Raisya just because she not let you touch her toys. Oh Khansa, you made her cried as like a cat.

Bunda carried you and asked you to shake hand with her. No more fight Khansa. You just smiled at me then hug me so tight. Oh Khansa you are really something.

Whatever you do, Will always love you.

Silent Hill

I am seeing him sleeping on bed with effortless. My husband. I just took him to doctor, drove in heavy rain and windy surely the road too slippery for the tires. High blood pressure, sore throat, heavy flu, fever and make his heart beats faster than normal. My husband passed cathetrization heart operation in 2011. Next year, 2014 inshaallah he will do nerves operation which located on both of his molar teeth. I am sure he always can pass.

I never blame about his work in governmental area of Ministry of finance in Tax Directorate. There always be target to tax paid. It surely happened in all public sector. I was in Pertamina, the oil and gas company, for 8 years. I really so much understand about the target, the rules, the bureaucracy, the analysis and many out of box cases and unspoken things inside. I remembered the last time he told me about his target, 4 billion in Rupiahs for tax income. Definitely not small amount of money to reach and he just final it not for last this December. 

I remembered about 3 years ago. When he and his parents suddenly came to my house, asked me to be his wife and his family set everything as like a juggle play the balls in circus. I WAS IN SILENT HILL. I saw my mom beg her to say something but she didn't. I saw to my dad but he never see me. He was so much know, very know that marry never been priority on my life list. He found his way to having me as his wife, TRAP ME IN BOTH FAMILIES. At last he said to me, "You are out of my mind, where every girl in this world who had been dated for almost 8 years, you know how long is that ... inside usually have want and need about marry but you never and never say even bit about marry". Inside my heart said, i already seen my parents marry life that make me think over and over about marry. He never knows that, the only one person who knows about my parents is my dream. I told him, as like the most trust person in this world. I remembered what i said to him that night "I lied to you about my family. My parents fight in many times and almost divorce". 

So much remembered on my Nikha, i saw my mom and my grandma, they smiled while in this heart say run run run run run. Closed my eyes, cried, nod down in this heart said "Please ... come ... please ... take me .... safe me. I am not want this". I paused in quite long when everyone waits me to sign Nikha book which was mean, this married already legal in Islam and Country. The hands trembled, the head spinned and again run run run run run whispered. I never seen my mom smiled that bright as like that day, so did my grandma. The two persons who the most worth for me. How can i run, how can i ruin all of these. Everything already set. 

I already in Silent Hill, tonight remembered all bring me to Silent Hill again. 

Wake Up In Crying Again In Many Billion Times

"Bunda ..." Khansa caressed my face. It was time for her to take nap before lunch. I was with her on bed until she fall asleep. 

"Khansa, why not sleep yet ? another story again ?" I asked her. Her face said no. She knew i was crying and still crying in writing this post.

I held her fingers, soft but mean to tight. "Don't ever leave me Khansa. Bunda did many things for you. Bunda did many sacrifices things to be still with you" I know she didn't understand. I cried in her hug, i cried on her back. Until she fall asleep by herself. Maybe my crying voice as like as a song for her. 

Forgive your mother Khansa. You seen Bunda in many tears. 

Khansa, Bunda has DDimer which can cause me in very bad condition. Bunda so afraid cant see you in future.You are the only who always safe me. Whenever i try to end this life, your face always appear seems like alarm telling me that you need me most. 

I love you, Khansa. When you was born, Bunda was in very long sleep. When others mother can hold their baby, Bunda still cant see you in few days. Bunda cant wake up, bunda cant move. In day two with all strength i have i walked to baby room, walking while other mothers maybe need wheelchair but Bunda not. It just need 15 minutes to reach your room but seems aslike a year for Bunda. I touched you face, Bunda cried so much. Because i already a mother. Bunda survived for 9 months having you inside, even got heparyn injection twice a day on arms and thighs but Bunda never give up. Every pain which Bunda has every bruise which Bunda has for 9 months are worth when see your face. The first breast feeding Bunda surely failed. But Bunda never give up and Bunda did it. Kissed you softly, whispered to you that Bunda will come in next few hours. Walked to alley again, to my bed, remembered how bleeding Bunda was that time because forcing to walk. But i just say "Is fine, i will try again to more careful in walking next few hours".

Bunda loves you Khansa.

My Hero

My Dear Khansa,

No more be proud as being your mother. You are my strength, You are my hero. You save me, your mother. You are special. Bunda dedicates this blog for you.

Bunda is willing sacrifice anything to be still with you. The love, the feeling, the heart, the body, the soul and the blood, and the life.

.

Bunda loves you, Khansa